How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist

Jan 4

There are three types of narcissism:

Full-blown, diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
A generally over-inflated ego, and
Healthy self-esteem and self-love.

In pop culture, these have been collapsed down into one word: narcissist.

By the end of this article, you’ll understand:

the positive (and necessary) role of narcissism and self-concept,
how to recognize narcissistic traits that are out of balance, and, of course,
how to play the game and set boundaries with folks who are of balance when it comes to their narcissistic traits (NPD or no).

A Healthy Dose of Narcissism

In his book Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore beautifully reminds us that narcissism is a universal experience. So much so that it’s literally mythic. If you’re in need of a quick refresher, Narcissus is a story handed down through Greek mythology. The character, Narcissus, was the son of a river god and a nymph, and in possession of an exceptionally attractive face (and bod, I presume). Because of his handsomeness and beauty, many, many folks (human and nymph alike) fall in love with him. Narcissus wants none of it, and spurns these would-be lovers. One of these so rejected curses Narcissus so that he one day experience unrequited love. The curse is fulfilled when, going to get a drink, Narcissus catches a glimpse of himself in a still pool and notices just how stunning he is. If he turns his head and looks away, he looses this image of himself; if he dips his face to the water, his image is lost — he now knows what it’s like to have a love that cannot possibly be returned.

There is incredible nuance to the myth and its implications — the role of the elements (narcissism as watery quality, ungrounded), the description of Narcissus seeing himself as ‘marble’ (hard and cold), and much more besides.

For our purposes though, what matters is that narcissism is not a quality ‘out there’ that we’re exempt from. We can no more ignore our own narcissistic tendencies than our hands or feet. It is a human quality, its universality highlighting utility:

In order to set artful boundaries, you must be at least narcissistic enough to believe you deserve to design your life and interactions in the way that feels best to you.

You must have a strong enough self-concept and sufficient self-love to say ‘no.’

Healthy narcissism gives you the audacity to say what you need to say in order to build the container for meaningful and honorable interactions with the people around you. This is the service healthy, balanced narcissism provides.

Narcissism Out of Balance

Of course, many folks fall out of balance with their narcissism, and the protection it provides creates boundaries more akin to electrified fences topped with barbed wire rather than a thoughtfully constructed home (read more about homes as boundaries here). When narcissism begins to fall out of balance, it is because of an exceptionally fragile self-concept and ego. This has a ton to do with the how of setting boundaries with narcissistic folks, and we’ll return to it shortly. For now though, it’s important to realize that unhealthy narcissism falls on a continuum from diagnosable ‘personality disorder’ to emotional immaturity.

Emotional Immaturity

Emotional maturity or immaturity refers to a person’s ability to self-regulate their emotions in the ever shifting contexts and dynamics of daily life. Among other traits, folks who are “emotionally mature” are able to:

See things from another perspective (empathy),
Practice humility,
Learn and grow from their experience and feedback,
See their own role in the events of their lives,
Step back from immediate situations to gain clarity and perspective.

Folks who are emotionally immature are, of course, less able to do these things. They:

Have very rigid ways of viewing the world,
Often chalk every experience up to being ‘someone else’s fault,’
Are unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes,
Tend to be either exceedingly insecure OR excessively narcissistic.

Folks who exhibit their emotional immaturity via narcissistic tendencies can be difficult to be in relationship with, but do not have full blown NPD. Nevertheless, when it comes to setting boundaries, the same strategies apply well for both types of folks.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

A personality disorder is an “enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.” (From the DSM-V)

In other words, having personality traits that are rigid, dysfunctional, and not compatible with the wider culture.

I don’t love the term ‘personality disorder’ and there are exceedingly few folks who qualify for true diagnoses of these conditions when compared to the casual use of the word “narcissistic.” We all develop ways of being that allow us to cope with our traumas and wounds, some more or less dysfunctional than others. Also, because of the high co-morbidity (or co-occurrence) of personality disorders with anxiety, substance use disorders, and history of trauma, I think the term ‘disorder’ is a misnomer in many cases. In fact, about 15% of folks with NPD also experience depression; about 17% also experience bipolar disorder, and about 14% qualify for a diagnosis of alcohol use disorder… I think the term ‘maladaptive coping strategy syndrome’ is a preferable one, in many cases. But I digress.

In the general population, the incidence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is around 0.5%. The rates go up in professions like medicine, law, politics, and military service — which makes great sense. You’ve got to think you’re pretty hot shit to cut someone open and re-wire their guts, heart, or brain. It follows you think your ideas are the absolute BEST if you’re developing, changing, and enforcing laws and social policies. As an aside, this prevalence rate is exclusive to the United States. As of 2018 (when this rate was determined), NPD was not a recognized psychiatric diagnosis outside of the United States.

What are we talking about, technically speaking when it comes to NPD?

According to the DSM-V (the diagnostic handbook for psychologists), the characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are as follows:

“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy… as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (eg exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is 'special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement…
Is interpersonally exploitive (i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

In essence, folks experiencing pathological narcissism are so fragile they are incapable of conceiving of life outside of self-assessed perfection.

Some examples of (fictional) folks who might qualify for the diagnosis:

Dr Strange, of Avengers fame,
Tony Stark, aka Ironman
Voldemort of Harry Potter fame
Scarlett O’Hara, from Gone with the Wind
Miranda Priestly, of The Devil Wears Prada
Kieran Vollard, in Dinner for Schmucks (p.s. go see this movie if you haven’t — you’ll cringe, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry… it’s got it all!)
Amy Dunne, from Gone Girl (She’s got a LOT of psychopathology goin’ on… great case to dive into if you’re so inclined)

Of course, there are many, many more from both fiction and real life. Often, you’ve no further to look than newspaper headlines.

You, obviously care less about fictional and famous folks than you do about co-workers, friends and family members, with whom you must interact on a regular or semi-regular basis. So let’s get to what matters.

How to Set Boundaries with Narcissists

For the rest of our discussion, for ease, I’m collapsing all kinds of narcissistic tendencies into the word narcissist.

If you read nothing else and move on, remember this:

Think of setting effective boundaries with someone who is narcissistic as a game.

Here’s why: folks who are narcissistic are emotionally immature. They psychologically cannot see the world as emotionally mature folks do.

You cannot hope to try to set and keep an artful, effective boundary in the same way you would with a person who is emotionally mature.

Ever played a game with a 3 or 4 year old? They change the rules as they like. They do what they want, when they want. It’s ALL about them and what’s happening in their little 3 or 4 year old heads. You can try to explain the rule booklet, read the rules that are standard for the game… it doesn’t matter. That tiny human is going to do what the heck they want, because it’s their game, their way, and your silly rule book matters not one iota.

SAME THING with a narcissist. Don’t let their adult body fool you! I know, I know, you feel like they really, really should be able to see the whole situation and act like a grown up…. but they simply can’t.

To set artful boundaries with a narcissist, you have to first understand they are playing their own game, by their own rules, which they can and will change at their discretion… just because.

Forget the rulebook you thought you needed.

You’ve got to prep to play THEIR game.

Learn to see your interactions with the narcissist in your life in this way, and more than half the work is done. The rest is down to your own emotional know how, strategy, and tactical know-how. Oh, and lots and lots of courage, grace, and self-compassion.

So let’s get you suited up.

Notice what’s going on

First you’ve got to know where you’re at and where you’re trying to get to. Please, please be honest with yourself. Especially when it comes the questions about fantasies and what you wish would happen. I know (my god I KNOW) how dearly you wish this person would act differently. The more honest you are about both who YOU are and who THEY are, the better boundaries you’ll set. And, the better boundaries you set, the more chance for improvement that relationship has.

So, take a few minutes and consider:

What boundary do you need?
Where is your safety compromised (physically, emotionally)? In other words, where does anger come up? (Grab a guide to get a handle on your anger here)
What parts of the interaction are exhausting?
If you had a perfect relationship with the person, what would be different?
What fantasies do you hold about how the other person will one day change?
Given their behavior to this point, how likely is that to happen?

Observation and Detachment

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson is phenomenal for many reasons, one of which is her emphasis on learning to detach.

In my experience and opinion, there are moments in EVERY relationship that could do with a touch of emotional detachment. Detachment does NOT mean:

you don’t care
you’re abandoning that person
you’re neglecting your responsibilities.

Detachment DOES mean you’re:

learning to set internal boundaries that serve you AND the other person
becoming MORE emotionally mature yourself,
leveling up your own self-regulation skills.

So how do you detach?

Consider watching a movie. You’re not in the movie, but you can allow yourself to be more or less emotionally moved by what’s on the screen. You can pay attention to the acting, the music, the visual cues. You can poke holes in the story line, or run an internal commentary on the writing or directing being really great or horrible. You can check out and think about how the first one was way better than this one, or how you wish they’d just really stop making these silly movies.

Now, consider a recent interaction you had with a narcissistic person in your life. Replay that interaction AS IF it was nothing more than movie playing on your smart phone.

That’s detachment.

Observing what’s happening while staying present within yourself, rather than getting swept up in what’s happening in front of you. This is the skill to cultivate when you’re interacting with narcissistic folks in your life.

Some ways you can learn to do this in the moment:

Notice your breath.
Pay attention to your own thoughts.
Observe the body language, words, gestures of the other person.
Tap into your senses: are there smells? Sounds? Tastes? Tactile textures?
Feel the weight of your feet on the ground, and/or back in the seat.

It’s not personal.

What anyone else says/does has pretty much nothing to do with you. What you do has very little to do with anyone else.

If you have not yet read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, go check out the chapter on not taking things personally. I mean, read the whole book, it’s not that long, but definitely imprint in your mind and heart the 2nd Agreement, don’t take things personally.

For narcissists in particular, they way they act has everything to do with them. They’re narcissistic! What do they care about you??

Think back (or scroll back) to the diagnostic criteria for NPD. “Self importance,” “entitlement” and “interpersonal exploitation” are all traits saying, essentially, no one else matters. To that end, someone who is narcissistic may be exceptional at rolling out guilt trips when you say no. Or, they may manipulate information in order to get what they want. Don’t bite. It’s not about you — it’s about their own insecurity.

Say what you need to say… and no more.

Speaking of manipulating information… Folks who are narcissistic are smart about getting what they want, and soothing their own feelings.

You expect that folks close to you will not use information you share against you. And this is so if you’re in relationship with someone of equal or greater emotional maturity than you.

Remember that rulebook you can’t use with a little kid while playing a game? This is one of the rules that’s tossed out when you’re talking to someone who is narcissistic.

Don’t assume that more info is better when you’re setting boundaries with a narcissistic leaning person.

You absolutely, 100% do NOT need to put all your cards on the table. They ‘why’ doesn’t matter in these interactions, and it behooves you to use as few words as possible in these delicate moments.

Instead, have some stock phrases up your sleeve you can pull out at a moments notice. Things like:

Thanks, but no.
That’s a great idea! I’ll consider that.
The decision has already been made.
If you continue to use that kind of language, I will hang up.
Now’s not a good time. I’ll call you tomorrow at 4.
You’ll need to make other arrangements for that. I’m unavailable.
'[nodding] hmmm. Interesting.

Play. the. game.

Many folks fall into the trap of thinking THEY’RE being disingenuous or manipulative when it comes to using very specific, practiced words.

Let me ask you this: if you’ve ever had a job interview, did you practice your answers?

How about a presentation? Did you practice what you would say beforehand?

Tough conversation with a friend or colleague — did you go in blind, or have a sense of what you wanted to say?

Setting boundaries is absolutely no different than any of these scenarios. You are not being disingenuous, but are acting on purpose and with intentionality. This, my friend, is a form of self care, and is the key to setting artful boundaries.

In fact, I even go so far as to say use the fact that you know this person is narcissistic in your communication with them.

My parents were both in mental health when I was growing up, one of them working with personnel through an employee assistance program office. Dinner time often include recounting fairly off the wall situations with very intense mental illness. The times when my parents were most effective? When they could get buy in from the client by using that person’s frame of mind to get them where they needed to be for their own health and safety.

Hypochondriac? Let’s get you to the hospital so they can check you out!

Paranoia? Let’s get you to the doc so they can check for listening devices!

You get the picture.

The same goes in your boundary setting — couch what you need/want in what’s best for the other person.

My sister in-law talks about this when she describes her clinical work with narcissists on The Persuasion Lab podcast. Do a little ego stroking to get what you’re needing. USE what you know. Play the game. It’s like telling a small child how creative they are while playing a board game for which they’ve just thrown out all the rules.

This might sound like:

Oh, you work SO hard… you deserve some rest. Why don’t you stay home today?
Thanks so much! I’ll put that suggestion right at the top of my list!
You look absolutely phenomenal! Tell me, what’s your secret?
I know how busy you are with [thing that person has pride about] — it’s such important/impressive work you’re doing, don’t trouble yourself with this small stuff.

Sound like it’s laying it on a little thick?

You betcha!

And highly effective with folks who are intensely narcissistic.

Surrender and Forgiveness

After all that, you’re probably thinking, ‘wait, whaatt??' Katherine, you just said withhold information and detach… how in the heck do surrender and forgiveness play a role?”

So glad you asked!

You have zero control over someone else’s behavior. You cannot make someone else look in the mirror or expand their worldview.

You kinda sorta gotta surrender to the fact that people are who they are.

I cannot tell you how many hours I spend talking with folks about this one aspect of boundary setting. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mom, sister, friend, dad, uncle, grandparent… they are an adult, and they are responsible for themselves. Certainly you can help in ways they ask if that feels right for you, and it is not your job to fix anyone, ever.

It is however your job to take care of yourself.

You are absolutely responsible for your own behavior, your own healing, your own thoughts and ways of being. Aaaand this is where forgiveness comes in.

I recently read the book Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty, and he provides a lovely exercise for forgiveness. He recommends writing a letter you will not send that contains answers to the prompts “I forgive you for _______”; “my part in this was _____________”

Again, for the people in the back, you have no control over someone else’s behavior. Your forgiveness is not for them — it’s for you.

Have you heard the story/adage that anger is like holding a hot coal and hoping the other person will get burned? Or drinking poison and thinking the other person will die?

Forgiveness is the process of dropping that hot coal, putting down the bottle of poison for the sake of your own peace of mind. Depending on personalities, trauma, hurts, etc, it is often not possible to have a full reconciliation with the other person. Luckily, forgiveness has only to do with you, and no one else need be involved for you to experience relief.

Bonus: do you need to forgive YOURSELF for not setting good boundaries???

Walk away

No one likes to hear this, especially when the narcissist in their life is a close family member, but it’s 100% okay to walk away if that’s the best way for you to take care of yourself.

The tendency of narcissistic folks to walk all over everyone around them can turn frankly abusive, emotionally, physically, or both.

It’s okay to walk away to keep yourself healthy and safe.

In Summary:

You need a healthy dose of narcissism to have the audacity to start to set meaningful boundaries.

When narcissism is out of whack, you really need to set some artful boundaries.

Foundational skills to do this include:

Realizing that narcissists are like tiny children playing a game — they have their own rules, and you cannot possibly guess what they are right now, or will be tomorrow. You cannot play the game with the rules non-narcissistic people agree on and succeed with a narcissist.
recognizing the pattern of narcissism,
detaching your emotions from the situation,
realizing that it’s NOT personal,
saying what you need to say, and no more,
practicing surrender and forgiveness as you go — for yourself.

Good boundaries have the power to heal many relationships… AND you will never be able to control someone else, or force them around to your point of view. Your job is to set boundaries that honor the folks involved, including yourself. That other person may never be who you would like, but your interactions will surely improve with some well placed and artful boundaries.

Want a FREE copy of the Setting Better Boundaries Workbook? Grab it here.

Boundary setting with narcissists is tough. If you’re needing/wanting support on the issue, reach out here!