3 Steps and 1 Foolproof Formula to Artful Boundaries
Folks are afraid or unable to set boundaries for all sorts of reasons.
Some of the more common reasons I hear are:
“I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
“I don’t want them to think I’m mean.”
“I’m afraid I won’t get another client/invitation/friend/chance/_____.”
“I’ll feel guilty if I say no!”
“They’re’ll be hell to pay from my mom/aunt/dad/friend/relative if I say no!”
“They’re so pushy, it’s just easier to give in.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
These are all totally valid reasons to not want to set Artful Boundaries.
But/And, if you’re unable or unwilling to set boundaries your mental and physical health both suffer in the long run (read more on how boundaries affect your physical health here), not to mention relationships, both personal and professional.
If you’re still afraid or guilty, something else to consider is the fact that if you’re not setting boundaries where you need them, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
You’re designed to be a shining, sparkling, joyful specimen of a human. When you’re able to set boundaries well, you’re able to fully express that light for everyone else in the world to see and learn from. You’re able to feel your joy as fully as your enthusiasm, and to find a sense of self security and confidence in the stunning person you are.
If, however, you’re unable to set Artful Boundaries, you’re dulling down your shine, bleaching all the color out of what would be an otherwise vibrant and full life.
Setting Artful Boundaries is like throwing on the switch to a glitzy, neon framed marquee, telling the Universe at large that you’re on board for the best it has for you.
If you’re in the dark of poor boundary setting though, that switch can be tough to feel your way to.
Here’s a simple 3 step process to light your way:
Step 1: Clarify Your Personal Needs and Boundaries
There are all kinds of boundaries (you can read more about them here), but the first, most important step to take is to get clear on what boundaries are most needed between you and you. Some of the most beneficial personal boundaries to set include:
Having an actual bedtime (more on that here).
Not having serious conversations after 7 or 8PM.
Exercising first thing in the AM or first thing after work.
Turning on Do Not Disturb on your phone after 7 or 8PM.
Not checking email before 9AM or after 8PM or on the weekends.
Developing a (realistic!) budget.
Having clear personal goals, with an outline of small steps to get you there (Ex: Say you want to buy a house. Work backwards from that goal: how much will you need for your downpayment? How’s your credit? How can you improve your credit and start saving for that downpayment? Work these questions all the way back until you have an actionable item for today and a guide to follow through on until you hit your goal.).
Clear standards for what constitutes acceptable treatment from others (i.e. no physical or verbal abuse, etc).
You can also think about things like:
When do you feel at your best?
What routines do you have at those times, if any?
Who’s around you, or not?
What do you eat at these times?
Do you exercise during these times?
What makes it easiest for you to do your work?
When do your relationships feel easiest?
How do you want to feel on a daily basis?
Do you feel that way now?
What steps would you need to take to start feeling that way at least some of the time?
Considering these kinds of questions can help shed some light on the personal boundaries that might be most helpful for you.
Once you have some answers, experiment! What you need will likely change over time, so try some things out and see how they work. Give it a solid week to try a new personal boundary, if not longer (sleep time changes can take 6-8 weeks to really lock in and see a difference). If you’re finding it’s really not helpful, try something else!
Step 2: Set Expectations
Once you know what YOU want and need, you can start to set boundaries with others by firs setting expectations.
This is as simple as it sounds: all you’re doing is letting folks know what they can expect when they’re dealing with you.
Some examples include:
Set your outgoing voicemail message to say when you check messages and (realistically!) when you respond. It might sound something like: “Hi, you’ve reached [your name]’s phone. Please leave your name, number, and reason for your call. Note that I check messages once daily at 12:30PM, and return calls in no longer than 49 hours.”
Set your email signature or set an autoresponder to let folks know when they might expect a response. Mine used to say “I check my emails on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” I’ve now adjusted it to say “I look at my email throughout the week, but reliably am able to respond on Fridays. Please send me a text or call me at 971-350-8159 if you need a quicker response.”
If you’ve recently changed your habits around alcohol or food, let folks (or one good friend) know before you show up to an event. You might say or text “I’m really looking forward to finally seeing you in person on Saturday! I don’t want you to be shocked, so just FYI, wanted to let you know I’m not drinking anymore.” You might also let them know you’re bringing your own food or drink not to be rude, but simply because you’ve changed your diet and don’t want to be an inconvenience to anyone else.
Let folks know what time you need to leave. Kids are a great, socially acceptable excuse to leave an event early, but you can just as easily say something like “It’s so great to be here! FYI I’m going to have to get going right at 4:00.”
If you run a service based business, include on your website or initial communications with a client a written explanation of what they can expect from your work together. Include onboarding processes, off-boarding, and all relevant steps in between (including any possible referral partners or other folks they might be dealing with).
More often than not, people are happy to have clarity with what they can expect from you, and theses mini boundaries create space for ease all around. If folks push back, you can have an excuse prepped and ready, or simply shrug, smile, and say “Yeah, it might be silly, but it’s working really well for me right now. Thanks for understanding!”
Step 3: Set some Artful Boundaries!
This is often where things get really tricky, especially in high stakes relationships like with your boss, a key client… your mom…
Which is why I have a formula I recommend to turn the trickiness into a treat for both you and that other person you’re talking with. Here it is:
Artful Boundary = Positive Aspect + (no) + Predetermined Acceptable Alternatives
Let’s walk through the parts and then I’ll show you some examples.
Postive Aspect
This is simply acknowledging you see, hear, and understand where the other side is coming from. This is what Chris Voss, famed FBI hostage negotiator calls “tactical empathy.” Including a positive aspect you notice from the other side is a way to disarm any defensiveness and let them know you really are on their side.
(no)
This is pretty self explanatory. I rarely use the actual word ‘no’ when using this formula, but you 100% can if you feel comfy with it.
Predetermined Acceptable Alternatives (PAA)
This is like when you ask a kid “Would you like an apple or an orange?” instead of “What do you want to eat?”
Pick two options (max) you’re okay with and offer them here.
This enfranchises the other person in making the decision, and helps them to feel in control of the situation. You’re guiding the conversation, of course, but they feel as though they have a stake in the game, which makes us humans all feel better about our circumstances.
So how does this look in real life?
Well, say you have a client who insists on adding something to a project that will take you an extra 20 hours. You could do the work for free to appease them, but you’ll be burned out, tired, and resentful, no?
So instead, you pull out your handy formula and say something like:
“It’s awesome that you have such an ambitious vision for this project. You know, I can send over an updated proposal for you to look over, or I can do the work we previously agreed up and circle back to this afterwards. What’s your preference?”
Let’s break this down using our formula:
Positive aspect: “It’s awesome that you have such an ambitious vision for this project” Who doesn’t want to be acknowledged for having ambition and vision??
(no) — it’s not there. You never actually said ‘no.'
PAA: I can send over an updated proposal for you to look over, OR I can do the work we previously agreed up and circle back to this afterwards
You’re not doing work for free. The client will get what they need. Boundary set, relationship preserved. Simple.
Or, perhaps you have a parent who makes demands on your time that aren’t sustainable for you, maybe dropping in unannounced when you’ve got kids with homework, dinner to make, or just plain want some alone time.
You might pull out your formula and try something like:
“It seems like you love to spend time over here, and I love how close our family is. How about we get something on the calendar that works for us both, or you can call before you stop over to make sure it’s an okay time. What’s easiest for you?”
Let’s break this one down now:
Positive aspect: “It seems like you love to spend time over here, and I love how close our family is.” Your parent probably adores to be able to spend time with you, and how lovely to have that care!
(no) — it’s not there. You never actually said ‘buzz off.'
PAA: We get something on the calendar that works for us both, OR you can call before you stop over to make sure it’s an okay time.
This is a good spot for a couple of finer points.
Don’t say something you don’t mean. Yes, at first blush, that client is needy and your parent is annoying. If you can’t find a positive aspect, don’t say anything. Give yourself some time to cool off and consider what is a positive aspect of the situation.
If you still can’t find a positive aspect, simply draw a hard line: “The extra work you’re requesting really isn’t feasible given our contract.” “It’s really important that I’m able to give my full attention to the kids on weeknight evenings, and it’s time you went home now.”
You may need to have one (or many) follow up conversations. Sometimes Artful Boundaries are super easy and work like a charm the first time. If, say, you’ve asked your parent to call before they stop over, and they do, in fact call, but then try to push you over on the phone, you’re going to have to set another Artful Boundary. “You know Mom, you said that you would call to see if it was a good time. It’s not right now. Saturday at noon works great, how about you stop over then?”
Develop stock phrases to avoid a freeze-up. You know where you must struggle to set boundaries — consider these situations and use the formula to come up with some stock phrases.
Then, and this is equally as important, practice them. In the mirror, with your dog, with your spouse, a friend, your houseplant… practice, practice, practice until they’re second nature and as easy to say as your name.
Many folks end up saying ‘yes’ because they just don’t know how to say ‘no’ and freeze up in the moment. Having your stock phrases ready will keep you out of this situation.
Finally, no matter your best efforts and intentions, sometimes folks just don’t want to hear it. They think they’re being abandoned, or they’re afraid of how dynamics will change as you become more self-secure. There may be defensiveness, anger, indignation… you name it.
Remember: you’ve done the work to determine what you need. You’ve done the heavy emotional lifting and done your best to be kind and empathetic.
Their reaction is NOT your responsibility. Draw your line and hold fast. If the other person cares about the relationship, they’ll follow up and learn to respect your boundary.
And if they don’t, well, probably the better for all.
Got some sticky spots, fear, and guilt around boundary setting?
Difficulty with a narcissistic Mom or a difficult boss?
Maybe some family dynamics that are way out of whack?
Afraid to lose out on clients or referrals if you start setting the boundaries you need?
You belong in the Artful Boundaries MasterMind! You’re 12 weeks away from transforming your life for the better.