How to Hack Your Anger
Let me give you a peak into a client session I had recently:
Me: What's your experience with anger?
Client: What do you mean?
Me: Do you get angry? What do you do if you do get angry?
Client: Ohmygosh, yeah, I get really angry sometimes.
Me: And what happens?
Client: Well, I try to just let it go.
Me: Do you say or do anything about it?
Client [starting to look away]: Well, no... except then I'll blow up sometimes.
Me: Oh?
Client: Well, it's like I hold it in, but then something small will happen, and I'll just go off on whoever's there.
This is SO normal.
I’ve talked with enough people now, that I can pretty much predict the lines of how the conversation about anger is going to go. Women, quite simply, are taught their anger is bad, bad, bad. That they’re not supposed to feel, acknowledge, or express it in any way, shape, or form.
And I get it -- anger is a big emotion.
Depression is far easier to live with — you can be sad and not really move to many things around in life. That stagnation is painful, but comfortable for its familiarity.
Meanwhile, anger demands
action and movement.
For both the person experiencing anger, and the people around her, anger can be incredibly threatening as it’s repercussions challenge the status quo, tearing down every structure (literal and figurative) in its path.
At its root, anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed.
Where once you thought you could keep yourself safe, you have seen you no longer can.
The 'hack' then is to figure out what boundary has been crossed.
And then, to set it back up!
Where's the gap in your ability to maintain your own physical space, time, energy, emotional resources, money, etc??
Obviously the specifics of how you set it up will vary with the context.
Sometimes it's as simple as a time limit on social media.
Other times an uncomfortable conversation around work responsibilities or redistributing domestic tasks.
And still other times legal action is required.
I’ve worked with folks at each and every level of boundary setting, coaching them through first figuring out what boundary makes the most sense, and then, helping them get in their integrity and use their words to set those boundaries down with a firm foundation.
Let me tell you: when we start work, anger is never not in the mix.
By the time she’s gotten her boundaries locked in, precious little ruffles her feathers.
Anger provides a tremendous amount of actionable information if you know how to read it. It can lead you to solutions and so much greater ease of being.
If a light bulb is going off in your head right now about all the times you've ignored your anger, you've got options!
You can head here and grab a copy of Anger as Awareness, a full guide to help you hack your anger alllll the way to excellent boundaries.
Or, if you are all in and READY TO GO, get on my calendar for an initial consultation.