Not sure if you should be saying no more? Here's why you should.
Boundaries matter. For your emotional health, of course, and also for your bottom line if we’re being honest.
Women especially struggle to say no, as we’ve been taught that our needs come last. We’ve been programmed that only after absolutely everyone else has gotten what they want and need, can we acknowledge our own wants and needs and act accordingly.
First things first: let’s do a little frame shift around the word boundaries so that you can start letting go of the guilt and shame associated with saying no.
Boundaries are simply and only a container for meaningful interaction. When artfully made, boundaries can create a space for a personal or professional relationship to flourish. Artfully created boundaries also create a space for you to thrive, along with the people who are most important in your life.
Like I said, many folks — women especially — have trouble setting good boundaries because they think that if they say ‘no’ in any way, shape, or form, that means that they aren’t being of service, or that they aren’t living up to their responsibilities, or that they will be seen as being unreliable or untrustworthy.
Let me tell you, nothing could be further from the truth.
When you empower yourself with ‘no’ you are able to say ‘yes’ to things that actually matter to you. Which means that to those things, you are able to bring your full presence, concentration, awareness, and skill.
In other words, if you can learn to say no, you more easily provide excellent service where you say yes.
Practically speaking, setting artful boundaries causes you to have:
Compensation on par with the service you provide (your bottom line goes up)
Control of your schedule (your time commitment goes down)
The agency to do those things that are most meaningful to you (remember that idea of work/life integration and balance?)
Clear and honest communication, and therefore deeper connection in your relationships
Emotionally speaking, when you aren’t setting healthy boundaries, you’re living in a space of ongoing potential threat.
Boundaries, you see, are how we establish a container for trusting and safe interactions with the world.
So, when you start setting good boundaries, the mental health shifts that happen are:
Decreased resentment and anger — you’re getting to the root of the emotion.
Decreased anxiety — through artful boundaries, you have empowered yourself with autonomy and agency.
Increased energy — without healthy boundaries, you may as well have an open drain at the bottom of your energy stores — setting good boundaries allows you to maintain (and then use, however YOU see fit) stores of emotional, physical, and mental energy.
Improved resilience — as I’ve said, boundaries are a container for meaningful interaction. As you set them, and as your ability to connect in ways that are most meaningful for you increases, your understanding of where you fit into the world is clarified, as is your ability to act effectively. These two things are critical components of resilience and your ability to bounce back from whatever stressors come your way.