How to Have Happy Relationships with Honored Boundaries
Being able to set boundaries is critically important when you’re figuring out how to have healthy relationships. Being able to 1.) know what your boundaries are and 2.) set them correctly lets you create a safe space for meaningful interaction regardless of where you’re at or who you’re with.
The other side of that coin is being able to — with the same amount of care and grace — honor the boundaries the people around you set.
Some common reasons folks struggle to honor the boundaries of others:
You think you know better: a better way to complete a task, a better thought process, a better _______.
The boundary generates insecurity about a specific aspect of yourself. ex. Your spouse asks you to simply listen, and you take that to mean you give terrible advice and they don’t care what you think.
The boundary makes you afraid you’re going to lose something. ex. A friend needs to cancel plans and you think they don’t want to be friends with you anymore.
There’s another uncomfortable emotion that you have to deal with. I.E. in an argument, the other person wants to avoid escalation and says they’re going to hang up/go for a walk and you can continue in an hour. Now you’re sitting alone with your anger/frustration/irritation/insecurity/jealous/insert emotion here.
Habit and well-worn patterns. Individual change is hard… interpersonal change is even harder. Especially for long-term relationships (anything more than 5 years) with family, friends, coworkers, and colleagues. I.E. Your coworker asks that you shoot them a text before you call so they can refocus or decline and you simply forget the next time you call.
There’s absolutely no shame or blame for any of these… we all struggle with honoring boundaries at one time or another. Some folks struggle more or less depending on whether their boundaries were honored when they were growing up, being accustomed to co-dependent relationships, or simply not understanding that some folks need really solid boundaries to feel safe because they just don’t need those.
The more you know, the better you can do though. And, if you’re interested in having truly workable, fulfilling, and nourishing relationships, you must learn how to honor boundaries set by others just as much as you honor your own.
To that end, here are some quick-start tips to help you find happiness in your relationships by honoring boundaries set by the people around you.
1. You don’t need to understand the why.
If you love and trust someone, the truth of the matter is that it really doesn’t matter if their rationale makes sense to you, or if you don’t relate to the way they operate. The fact that they’ve taken the time to sort out a boundary and ask for what they need is sufficient information for you to honor their request. Whether they need 10 minutes of quiet when they walk in the door, every Saturday to themselves, they’d like you to call them by a different name or use different pronouns, or call before you stop over… if it’s within your power, honor that person by respecting their boundary whether or not you ‘get it.’
2. Set a reminder.
If someone is shifting into a new way of being and needs support, it can be easy to forget and fall back into old habits. If co-worker Tammy has asked to not be disturbed until 4 and you’re used to stopping in at 2 to say hi, put a reminder on your phone at 1:50 that says “go visit Joey instead of Tammy.” Or, if someone is changing pronouns, put their new pronouns in their contact info so you see it every time you connect.
3. Acknowledge and ask for help.
There’s nothing so helpful as being told “I really intend to honor your request as best I can — I may slip up. If I do, can you gently remind me?” Or ask Tammy to put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on her door to help you (and probably everyone else in the office) remember to not come knocking. If you do make a mistake, simply apologize.
4. Sort out your own feelings.
The most common barriers to effectively respecting boundaries in families I’m aware of is that when one person shifts, it pulls and tugs on the emotions of other family members. It’s a tough situation for the boundary setter and the folks who then need to adjust to a new steady state. Certainly this can happen in romantic partnerships, friendships, and with colleagues, but the most acute examples show up with parents and (adult) children.
Whatever the relationship, if someone sets a boundary with you and you’re automatically thinking ‘yeah, right’ consider what’s lying under that response. Do you not believe or trust that other person? Do you feel insecure about yourself for one reason or another?
If you see someone close shifting their patterns and habits toward a more healthful dynamic, it can trigger intense insecurity about any unwillingness you might have to do the same. Or ideas about why you just can’t get healthy/change jobs/get sober/improve your relationship with your parents/etc.
5. Make friends with your anger.
In case I haven’t said it enough, new dynamics are t-o-u-g-h. If someone sets a boundary to de-escalate a fight, it’s pretty likely you’re still going to be angry and want to take that out in a way you’re accustomed to doing. Anger has a really unique way of supergluing folks together. The high drama adrenaline can be addicting, especially if you know that person isn’t going to abandon you in the midst of your fight. In other words, high drama relationships can often feel safer than low-drama ones, because they’re loud, brash, and there’s no hiding or guessing.
And yet, these kinds of relationships are not healthy. Let me be clear: I know many families (Italian friends, I’m looking at you!) that are super loud, chatty, and demonstrative. This is NOT what I’m talking about. Interactions in relationships that are simply loud and healthy are not tinged with anger, resentment, underhanded jabs, threats to leave, jealousy, etc.
If the person you’re used to engaging in these interactions with decides they want to shift into a healthier dynamic, the shock of having the cord pulled can be profound. Not to mention even generally healthy relationships have their less than proud moments, and if one person or the other has the presence of mind to call a pause, it can be quite a shock to the system. “But wait, I’m still pissed!”
Guess what though?
Your anger isn’t for the other person. It IS for you.
You can dive in deep and make besties with your anger using this book, but for our purposes, remember that your anger lets you know there’s a boundary you had that was crossed. It lets you know that you’re feeling unsafe for one reason or another.
If you value the relationship, honor the pause button and use it for some good old self-reflection. And if you don’t value the relationship, well, maybe change the setting from pause to all out stop.
6. Get clear on your own boundaries. And start setting them!
Sometimes insecurity shows up because you haven’t been able to set your own Artful Boundaries. When that insecurity shows up, it can make you want to push and shove to keep other people from doing what you’ve not ben able to.
The only solution is to start looking inward, get courageous, and start setting the boundaries you need to be setting.
7. Check in on temporary boundaries
Sometimes we just need a specific boundary for a specific period of time. While things are super stressful at work, your spouse can’t make dinner on the nights they used to. Your daughter doesn’t want you to drop in unannounced because she and her husband are working through something. Your friend can only talk once a month because they’re learning to attune to their own intuition. You get the idea.
Check in from time to time and see a.) how that person is doing, and b.) if they still need that stringent boundary. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but either way it shows care and attention that you are willing to touch base to see where they’re at.
8. Check in on your story
You only know what someone tells you. If a friend cancels plans it can be easy to fall into the ‘they must hate me’ trap. Notice any stories you’re making up. If you haven’t gotten confirmation from the other person, you’re making a story up. Pro tip: some stories give you more room to breathe than others.
Regardless of whether or not you can get confirmation from the other person, a story like “They must not be feeling great” or “They’re probably swamped with the kids and work” makes way more space for understanding and compassion than a story like “They’re so flaky and unreliable” or “They must not want to hang out with me because _______.”
Nothing determines your quality of life more than your thoughts, so do yourself a favor and pick a few that bring you more ease.
9. Re-assess and speak up as needed.
Sometimes another person’s boundaries simply don’t allow for us to have our own needs met. Sometimes there are things we thought were ‘needs’ that, turns out, were ‘nice to haves’ and we can do without for the time being. Then again, maybe those actually are needs.
You’re worth whatever a fulfilling relationship looks like to you. While the beauty of nourishing relationships is that they require we grow and evolve with the folks around us, at times you may (will?) run into the fact that despite your best efforts, you just can’t compromise on an issue. You don’t want kids, they do. You want to live in a house with a white picket fence and a dog, they want to live #vanlife. You like deep conversations, they stay surface.
No one can tell you what your deal-breakers are… you’ve got to get clear and re-assess as you go. If you don’t want to honor the other person’s boundary because it conflicts with a need you have, it’s probably better for everyone involved that you say “Thanks for the experience! It’s time I got on my way.”
At the end of it all, respecting another human means respecting their boundaries. While it can be painful to do so at times, there are few things that have the power to strengthen and improve a relationship more. If nothing else, get clear on your feelings (especially your anger!) and needs so that you can both respect and set Artful Boundaries like a pro!