Your Boundary’s Best Buddy
Two words, big results:
Expectation Management.
Get out ahead of the game. Let folks know what to expect in their interactions with you. How, when, and where you’ll show up, and what you’ll be able/willing to do while you’re there. If you’re afraid to set boundaries because you’re concerned feathers will be ruffled, starting with expectation setting is a superb way to go. There is far less friction before or at the beginning of a relationship or interaction. Folks can decide if they want to hang around or not if you can be clear about what you’re about. Meanwhile, mid-relationship, expectation setting can be one of the least-risky ways to start to get your feet wet with boundary setting skills.
What’s Expectation Management?
aka Setting expectations, expectation management is letting folks know what they can expect from their interactions with you.
A few examples:
Answer a call and say “Hey, I’ve got 10 minutes to talk!”
An outgoing email that lets folks know you only check your email three times per week.
An outgoing voicemail that says you check voicemails daily at noon.
Keeping your work calendar updated.
Saying “Hi! It’s so good to see you! I want to let you know I’ve got until 3, and then I’ve got to go” at the beginning of a visit with family or friends.
Providing an itinerary to friends or family when you’re traveling.
Saying “at this meeting our goal is {x} and here’s how we’re going to achieve it.”
Calling your partner to let them know you’re running 30 min late.
Laying out the process of working with you, start to finish, for a client.
Talking about family dreams with a romantic partner.
Setting a family budget.
Using a scheduling service that sets meetings in 30 minute increments.
You get the idea.
Why does managing expectations help?
If you’re setting out from New York trying to get to San Francisco, do you think your trip would be easier or harder with a map (or map app)?
Sure, you could make your way, you know generally you’re trying to go west and south, and if you know enough about the interstate system you could make it work map-free.
Likely, though, you’d end up driving further and longer than you need to; you might get needlessly caught in traffic, stuck in weather you could’ve avoided, perhaps you’d even need to sleep in your car for a night or two.
But if you had a map? A planned route? Weather alerts?
How much smoother of a trip!
Expectations is the map you’ve laid out for yourself, and for the folks you’re engaging with. Yes, you can absolutely have relationships without this. Setting expectations isn’t a pre-requisite. AND it’s way (WAY) easier to move through life if you’ve mastered this skill. Personally and professionally.
Setting expectations clarifies in what capacity you’re able to engage. When are you available, and for how long? In what context are you able to bring your best self? How/when/where can you be fully present with what you’re doing?
Meanwhile, expectation setting lets other folks know where they fit in. They don’t need to flail about, wondering when you’ll return their call or if this is a 15 minute meeting or an hour. This makes it easier for them to navigate their own lives and interactions.
Crucially, you’ll need to follow through on the expectations you’ve set just as much as on the boundaries themselves. If you have an outgoing voicemail message that says you return calls Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons, but don’t call someone back for a week… well, it doesn’t look so good. Obviously life happens, and most folks are forgiving for a time or two. But, if you’re going through the trouble of spelling out an interaction, follow what you’ve said.
*Disclaimer: a blog is just a blog, and for educational and informational purposes only. Seek professional support for your unique situation from a qualified mental healthcare provider.