When Not to Set a Boundary

You might be surprised to hear that there is a circumstance in which you absolutely should not set a boundary.*

Let’s set the scene. You’re trying to create some safe space for yourself (and the other person) in a complicated relationship. Maybe with your mother, or spouse, or even a child. You’re still finding your sea legs, unsure of the hows of setting that Artful Boundary. You’re turning over some options in your mind about what would be the best approach:

• If you drop by unannounced, I won’t be able to see you.

• I’m not comfortable talking about politics with you; I’ll need to hang up if we can’t re-direct.

Now, before you get going with setting your boundary, there’s one crucial question you must ask yourself:

Can I enforce this boundary?

Can you enforce your boundary, period? If a neighbor drops by unannounced and you’re busy, will you not invite them in, or will you’re politeness get the better of you?

If you can’t enforce your boundary, don’t set it!

Note that boundary consequences aren’t about controlling another person’s behavior. It’s not ‘you can’t politics ever’ but ‘I will not discuss politics.’

What happens if you set a boundary you can’t then enforce is that you 1.) breach your own self-trust, and 2.) breach trust with others as you don’t follow through on your word:

Breaching and Building Self Trust

Any behavior you tell yourself you’ll do, but then don’t follow through with, breaches self-trust. Over time, bye-bye self-esteem.

This can happen not only with failed boundaries, but with not following through on planned workouts, or not putting away the laundry on the same day it’s washed like you promised yourself you finally would, or going out for lunch when you committed to bringing your food to work. You get the idea.

The thing about building self trust is that it’s not about doing alllllll things. If you’re finding you’re not following through, it’s about getting honest with yourself about what’s really worth doing, and dropping everything else. Then, if the things you want to be doing you’re still not following through on, it’s about asking for help.

Breaching and Building Trust in Relationships

Good boundaries that you’re able to enforce have the (often unexpected) result of building trust in relationships. If I tell you I’m not available for a visit, and you drop by anyway, and I don’t drop everything to see you, you now know I keep my word. You may not like it, but you now know what I say and what I do are congruent.

If I tell you I’ll be on-time to a coffee date, and I show up 20 minutes late, I’ve eroded trust. Just like if I tell you I’m not available for a visit, and you drop by anyway, and I drop everything to see you, I’ve eroded trust. You know through both sets of behavior that my word doesn’t mean anything regarding my behavior. We tend to pay more conscious attention to when folks renege on a ‘positive’ expectation we hold (showing up on time, bringing a dish to a potluck, completing a project), but the impact of dropping the ball on perceived neutral or ‘negative’ expectations can be just as damaging.

If you want to up-level this skill of knowing when to not set boundaries, there’s another more nuanced question to ask yourself:

Can I maintain emotional neutrality as I enforce this boundary?

Don’t get me wrong, there are situations where emotions be damned, eg anytime you’re in danger. Anger is the guardian emotion, and if there is a real threat of harm to you, emotional neutrality may or may not be helpful (fight/flight, freeze, and fawn are the three primary danger responses… anger is great in fight/flight, not so much for fawn or freeze).

Most of the boundaries we’re setting on a day to day basis, however, we’re setting to maintain relationships we want, need, and care about. In these cases, an explosive door or phone slam (screen tap?) isn’t quite so helpful. Nor is a string of swear words yelled at jet-engine volumes.

Emotional neutrality, however, allows you to clearly deliver and hold a boundary — while building and maintaining the relationship.

An example:

Family Member (FM) is determined to talk politics with you. You find this stressful and damaging to the relationship, so you set a boundary. ‘FM, I love you, and appreciate how interested in politics you are. It’s really stressful for me to talk about though, so if you want to continue on this subject, I’ll be going.’

Scenario 1: FM keeps talking politics, and you get more and more angry and frustrated. You shout ‘I told you I’m not 'f*ng talking about this!’ and hang up the phone.

Scenario 2: FM keeps talking politics, but you keep your cool: ‘Look, I just asked that we talk about something else; We can talk about the kids or make plans for the movie. Otherwise I’ll be hanging up now.’ FM keeps talking politics, so you say in a steady neutral tone: ‘I’m going to interrupt you here — I need to go now because I’m not willing to engage in this conversation. Goodbye.’

Both are viable scenarios we’ve likely all been part of at one time or another. Being able to keep emotional neutrality though retains respect throughout the interaction, while holding the boundary line.

The take-home: if you can’t follow through on your boundary, don’t set it! Instead, figure out what boundaries you are able to enforce, and start there. In the meantime, reach out for support to help build your courage for the bigger boundaries that are, as yet, too scary to enforce.

*Disclaimer: this is grossly oversimplified, and for educational purposes only. Seek professional support for your unique situation from a qualified mental healthcare provider.